I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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