Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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