WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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