the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
