I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
