I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
