U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
