its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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