i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So squirting runs in the family.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
