I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Randomize