I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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