you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
