Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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