can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
