he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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