I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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