I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
