Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
