Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
