Don't make out with my wife yet
Girls should come with a carfax report
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
