I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
