what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
