i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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