Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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