Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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