can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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