my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
