You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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