Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
