I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
