yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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