go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize