I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
