OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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