idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
