Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
