Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
