Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
FUCK WHALES
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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