my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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