Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My life is pants optional.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
