i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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