Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Boobs speak an international language.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
