brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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