First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
