can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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