My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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