Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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