I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize