sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
