trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
