hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
