u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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