I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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