Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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