I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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