he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
