Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
