I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
